My Truth: The Mom Behind Messed Up Mama.

A Letter to YOU: Who Are You Doing it For?

Dear Mamas,

If you were to ask me what my reasons were for starting this blog, my answer would be simple. I am doing it for them. My children are my total essence, they are my ultimate reason. And very often throughout my blog content you will hear me refer back to this one question, “Who are you doing it for?” My answer to this question is always the same – but in referencing it I not only wish for you to ponder it yourself, but I am also reminding myself of why this journey truly began.

I am doing it for them. That maybe the simple answer, but its truth is much more complex. (This is the part where it starts getting juicy.)

I started this blog as an outlet. At this very moment, and for some time now, I am literally experiencing the most trying time of my life. I have been at war both with myself and within my relationship. We are both armed, locked and loaded. We are both attacking aggressively and ultimately, I am losing both wars. I needed a way to release it all, I needed an escape. I needed somewhere to pour out my thoughts and feelings, somewhere where I could make them matter. I want my words – my experiences – to have the power to make a difference in someone’s life.

I want to provide resources for moms in relatable situations. I want other moms to have a place to go for reference and for help. I want them to know that they are not alone – maybe they are fearful of judgement (I am all too familiar with that feeling), or maybe they are the suffer in silence type. I want to create a safe space for them to go.

For me, writing is essential to my own personal self-care. It is the place where I feel both the safest and the most understood – ‘in my words’. What better way to embark on my own journey to self-improvement than to give those essential words the power to make a difference – to help another mom find her path to a better life. (That is what we are all hoping for, right?)

Truth be told, my struggles in life and in this remarkable journey of motherhood started long ago. Do not allow me to make you believe that life was anything close to amazing before or ever – for that matter. Right now, it just feels like I am suffocating. I feel like I am failing my kids once again. It feels as if my relationship has been over for a while now, and in retrospect it has been – our current living situation is not healthy for any of us, my children or myself – but my ducks are not lined up yet. I cannot leave with the confidence and assurance that I will be able to provide security and stability for my kids. This world is simply not built for a single mom of three (or any single parent) to be able to provide a home and stability for their children on their own and that is just the harsh reality of it.

I am ready to press restart on our lives in the hopes that our next move will be more promising than our last move.

It does not matter how much money I have in my bank account – that money will only allow me to make it by for a few months (if that), even with a solid income – which I do not currently have either. That, again, is just the painful reality of it all. Speaking from personal experience, I have been on every housing waiting list imaginable for years. Only recently did I finally come up on the Section 8 waiting list in my hometown of Everett, and even then, my application was REJECTED because I failed to provide necessary proof of Everett residency at the time of my application process. At that time, I was homeless – myself and my three children living in one-room at a family friends’ house. (Imagine that.)  It has always seemed as if my circumstances are the exception to every rule, as luck should have it. This was one of those circumstances. My childhood city, a city I feel like I belong in – a place where I would have loved to raise my children and I was turned away. I remain on many other local housing waiting lists (emergency, low-income, subsidized, centralized section 8 waiting list, etc.) but ultimately it is just that – a long waiting process.

I have been out of work since before COVID-19 first made its appearance. Previously, I was working fulltime at a local whole food market where I withheld a front-end management position. I was unable to work anymore due to a knee injury (I retore my ACL and meniscus, for the fourth time!), which resulted in surgery and a prolonged recovery in accordance with rehabilitation and physical therapy. Almost three months later, when I was ready to return to work, I discovered that I was pregnant with my now 20-month-old son, David. My previous pregnancies were complicated to say the least – my youngest daughter was born with gastroschisis (a rare birth defect in which her stomach, kidneys, bladder, liver, small and large intestines were outside of her body) and I also previously suffered the loss of my son (Julien) to stillbirth at 35 weeks gestation. (I have literally been through it all.) Due to these unforeseen circumstances, and to the fact that I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS), I was unable to work during my pregnancy – this was a precautionary decision made by my obstetrician team.  Fast forward, to David’s arrival and his appearance was followed by COVID-19 ‘s debut to the world – and into our personal lives. My daughters were transitioned into remote schooling when David was about 12 weeks old. Ever since, I have been a busy body, stay-at-home mama bear.

So, here I am. Trapped (for lack of a better word). I can honestly say that I have reached a mental state where all-consumed I am just so completely overwhelmed with emotions. I am hurt. I am angry. I am disappointed. I feel betrayed and completely let down. I feel deceived and heartbroken. And more than that – I am hurt for my children. They too have been let down. Their lives, again, have been affected by my inadequate choice of a man. Their worlds, about to get turned upside again. All that I have ever wanted to achieve in this life is a true sense of happiness for my children – the white picket fence and the beautiful home, the happily ever after that comes with it all. I get it, the idea of the whole white picket fence thing and the happily ever after is too much – it is not realistic. But what I really want is that in its’ simplest form. I want to provide a happy home for my children, a life filled with opportunity, a life that is fulfilling. I want us to be happy, for them to experience true bliss. After all, “Who Am I Doing it for?”

Admittingly so I have done some things that I am regretful for. Usually, I am one to quote that cheesy line from middle school, “Live life with NO regrets. Just mistakes made and lessons learned.” And honestly, for the most part, that statement holds true in my life. I have made countless mistakes and through my experiences I have learned many valuable lessons. I do not regret the experiences that I have endured. I do, however, regret some of the things that I have done. Like I said, I have reached that all-consuming point in my life were it has all just become too much. Essentially, I have lost control of my emotions. I often speak when I normally would just observe, and more so, I respond when I know that it would just be wiser to leave well enough alone. I have acted out verbally and physically, so enveloped in my anger and my pain that I was unable to contain it any longer. I am better than these things I have done. I am both ashamed and disappointed in myself. I allowed my emotions, specifically my pain and anger, to consume me and I lashed out – wrongfully so. My weakest moments, for sure.

 Although, I am not proud of myself – in reaching this point, I have also found my voice. I stayed silent for so long, allowing other people to make me feel as if my voice did not matter – that my personal feelings were not meant to be taken into account. I felt as if I was just meant to accept it, to allow myself to be put down repeatedly – to allow my voice to go unheard. Know this: YOU are not!

Do not allow anyone to silence you. Your pain and emotions are real – they demand to be heard. With that being said, it is important to keep a level head when doing so. I am working on this. And yes, sometimes that means that you have to stand silent and allow an abuser or a foe to get in their hurtful comments or hold back your aggression when you know it is well-deserved. Stay true to your character.  I battle with this almost daily, when to speak and when to stay silent. How much is too much? When is it okay to break?

As a mother, it seems like it is never okay to do so. We are almost programmed to hide our pain and remain strong for our children. Mamas, it is okay to not be strong. It is okay to reach that point. There is so much help and resources available to us that we are able to utilize. I am the absolute worst at both realizing that I may, indeed, need the help and initiating getting it.

I am just a Messed Up Mama, struggling everyday but never losing sight of who I am doing it for. Battling both silent wars and through very real life experiences. I am finding my way. Along that journey to my own self-improvement I will compile resources, as well as, provide insight based on my own life experiences as a struggling mom to provide you with everything necessary to empower you to embark on your venture to self-improvement.

So, who is Messed Up Mama?

  • I am the face of OCD(obsessive-compulsive disorder)
  • I am the face of Anxiety.
  • I am the face of Depression.
  • I am the face of PPD (postpartum depression).
  • I am the face of Infant Loss.
  • I am the face of Child Abuse.
  • I am the face of Domestic Violence.
  • I am a Mom.

 

I am All of these things and I none of these things – these are simply components (small parts) of something much bigger, Me. I am not defined by what I have been through or the things that I struggle with. Neither are you!

I want to use my outlet to empower other struggling moms to live beyond their labels and crush the stigma.

We are all a little messed up, just roll with it.

With Love,

Messed Up Mama

Who Are You Doing it for?

Meet My Squad - This is Who I am Doing it for.

Ameliah
8 years old

David
22 months old

Jailah
9 years old

My Name is Marie!

mom blogger and writer

I’m a Mama Whose Squad Consists of 3 Kids.  Sharing My Personal Struggle with Mental Health + Resources + Family +Recipes + DIY/Crafts! 

I am Messed Up, Coffee Addicted Mama Whos is Striving for Self-Improvement.

 Empowering Other Struggling Mamas to Never Give Up.

After All, Who Are You Doing it for?!

 Let’s be Friends!

Messed up mama

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